April Reflections

Hi there. It’s been a while. I’m not going to attempt to catch up on lost time, but instead will just hop right into current time.

Ribsy, newest member of the Miller household

We’ve been adopted. By a dog.

Back in March, this little stray wandered up into our yard, and the kids and Piper, our other dog, all had a great time playing with him. Nate and Zoe both wanted to feed him, and he was really skinny so we put some food out for him. He was pretty skittish as well, so I wasn’t sure how well-cared-for he had been. He slept a few nights on our back porch and kept following Piper and I around anytime we were outside.

Then came the first of many storm days (and cancelled school days, but that’s another story) in March, and Zoe in particular just couldn’t stand to see him shivering outside in the thunder and rain, so we made a mat for him in the laundry room….and, well, the rest is history. He evidently loved his first stay in the Miller house, so much so that the next few nights he kept everyone awake with his barking to be let in. In an effort to keep him quiet and get some rest, Jerrel suggested we let him in the next night. And the night after that and the night after that…. So now he comes in before bedtime and plays with the kids and Piper a bit before settling down in what has become ‘Ribsy’s corner’ of the laundry room. We are now a two-dog family. And I’m not sorry one bit.

10 Things That are Saving My Life Right Now

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

The other day I was on the way to school to pick up the kids and I found myself feeling…just blah. It was the 83rd day in a row of gray, rainy weather (Mississippi has been taking a page out of Noah and the Ark lately) and I wasn’t looking forward to being forced into mommy-mode in a few moments. The thought crossed my mind of how wonderful it would feel to just keep driving past the school, not a care in the world, and find myself stopping at a spa or store or late lunch with a friend because all of those sounded much more exciting than my actual life.

Ever been there?

It’s times like this when I have to really be intentional to focus on blessings…to bend my thoughts towards gratitude. To notice and appreciate all the things that are life-giving in any given moment. Here are a few that are making my list.

1. Strong coffee. Black for my first cup, thank you very much, and then a little creamer for the cup (or two or three) after that.

2. Concealer. To make me look more awake than I may actually feel some days. I’ve tried quite a few over the years, but this one is a favorite because it blends really well and doesn’t sit in creases under my eyes.

3. The kids being in school. Even though we still have virtual school one day per week, I am thanking the Good Lord for those four days that we are back in school. The kids and I are all better for it.

4. A meal queue. I first got this idea from the Lazy Genius. It has SAVED my sanity and eased my decision fatigue immensely when it comes to planning meals for our week.

5. A reading goal (that I’m actually sticking to). I’ve been following the Modern Mrs. Darcy blog and podcast for years now, as evidenced by the fact that my TBR list now has more books on it than I’ll ever be able to read in my lifetime. And even though I’ve always loved to read, my reading life has been a little…lackluster lately. During this weird pandemic season, I found myself much more likely to play a mindless game on my phone or veg in front of Netflix when I got a bit of down-time. This January however, I was inspired by Anne Bogel’s 2021 Reading Challenge and actually wrote down a list of books that I wanted to read this year, made a stack of the ones that I had, and have given myself a daily reading goal in pages…and it is changing my reading life for the better. I read 4 books by the end of February, which was about my halfway point last year.

6. Gas logs in the fireplace. We have been wanting to get these ever since we bought our house back in 2013 and have just never bitten the bullet. We talked about it again this winter but we couldn’t seem to find the right one in our price range. Finally, Jerrel picked one up almost on impulse one day at the beginning of February at a local store, and even though it was more than we wanted to pay, we were excited about it. It turned out to be a God-send, because TWO DAYS LATER The Winter Storm of 2021 hit, we lost power for 3 days and that became our main heat source. Thank you Jesus.

7. Sunshine. After what felt like the longest two months of the year and a string of rainy, gray, cold days, April has arrived and with it, more sunshine. This Florida girl is HERE FOR IT.

8. Straight hair. I have naturally curly hair, which I actually really like. I went through a year or two where I fell down the #curlygirlmethod rabbit hole and embraced all the curls and let it grow out and was having fun with it. Then we brought Nate and Zoe home from China….and scrunching and deep conditioning and blow-drying and clipping and maintaining my curls simply became too much. So I went to my amazing hairstylist, asked her to give me a cute, edgy short cut that I could wash and straighten and live in for a week with minimal maintenance….and I haven’t looked back since. I LOVE it. It’s working for me in this season.

9. Cozy socks. My son got me a cute pair from Walmart for Christmas (with a little help from Jerrel), and I have lived in them for the past few months. They’re the kind that are supposed to be ‘infused with aloe.’ I have no idea how that actually works, but I do know they are super soft and cozy.

10. Quiet time. This might seem like the 90’s, goody-goody church girl answer but it’s the honest truth. And while I’m mostly (80%) talking about beginning my mornings with coffee and Jesus’ presence and His words, I’m also 20% talking about moments that are actually quiet….as in NO ONE IS TALKING.

What is giving you life these days? What is pushing back the grayness and giving life to your weary heart? I’d love to hear.

Good Words

Hey hey! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve shown up on this here blog. And by ‘a hot minute’ I mean months on end. Without going into what we all know 2020 to have been by now, I’ll just say that for the past 16 months, I’ve felt mentally, emotionally and creatively burned out and barely able to remember why I walked into a room, much less string coherent words together to form a blog post.

I’m sure those of you who are parents would say that is par for the course in being a new mom, and I’m pretty sure that is 75% of it. But the other 25% is a soul weariness that has been exaggerated and brought to the surface by the isolation, uncertainty and loss of this past year. Everything but the bare minimum daily routine simply felt like too much work. And so I stopped. Stopped writing other than scratching out my gratitude list each morning. Stopped planning creative meals for supper (hello frozen chicken nuggets and fish sticks. Knock yourselves out, people). My reading stack dwindled to a few paragraphs before falling asleep, or more likely before turning to scroll Instagram or mindlessly play Project Makeover.

Part of me wondered if I had lost my creative bent. If becoming a parent meant that I no longer had the brain capacity to write and read and process with God and my people. But even though I doubted it for a while, I know that writing (and reading) is one of the things that makes me feel most like myself. It’s how I process my thoughts. As Flannery O’Connor said, “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” 

I also missed writing as a way of connecting with others, with you. I’m not going to lie and say that sitting here at this computer doesn’t feel a little scary. Vulnerable, like I’ve forgotten how to do this. But I’m doing it anyways because I NEED to; and in the hope that maybe it will resonate with your own experiences or spark some question or understanding of your own.

Here are some words that my soul is clinging to right now:

 

They saw the hope, the fruition of promise, even though it was ‘way off in the distance’ and they ‘waved their greeting.’ I LOVE that.

Were they as full of glee as our friend Forest there? Probably not, at least not all the time. But I do like to imagine an irrepressible twinkle in their eyes as they looked towards their REAL HOME and reminded themselves that this was just a season. This too shall pass.

This too shall pass, friends.

We are all part of a much bigger Story…and this world is not our true Home.

Shedding the Weight of the Worry Robe

 

Worry is like a second skin for me. I wake up each morning and slip it on without thinking. Before I’ve even stumbled to the coffee pot, or even before my feet hit the floor some days, worry has settled herself around my shoulders like a robe. She has worked her fingers like tendrils into my brain and started the hamster wheel of thoughts whirring like crazy.

“What if I can’t handle the kids today?”

“I already feel behind and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.”

“Will life ever return to ‘normal’ again…or do I just need to make my peace with constantly feeling like I’m running on empty?”

“I’m not doing this mom-thing right.”

“I need to add ‘take photos for sample sale,’ ‘pick up prescription,’ ‘get packing tape,’ ‘update inventory spreadsheet,’ and ‘get chicken out to thaw’ to my to-do list.”

I worry about what the next five minutes, the next hour, the next day will hold and whether or not I’ll be able to ‘get it all done’ and still ‘keep it all together.’ And I usually end the day feeling like the answer to both of those questions is ‘no.’

Even though worry slips on like a lightweight robe, she is anything BUT lightweight. I can feel the weight of her pressing down on my chest, constricting those deep yoga breaths that I try so hard to take each morning.

But I’m tired of wearing worry. I don’t want her to be the story of my life. As an Enneagram 6, I realize what a lofty goal that is. Fix it, Jesus. Fix it. Jesus. JESUS.

And then I remember. Jesus was the One who said, ‘Come to Me, you who are weary and heavy burdened. Come to Me, and I will give you rest.” Oh, how I need that reminder. I need to cling to it like oxygen, breathe it in and let it lift the weight of worry on my chest.

If I’m honest, I have done a pretty crappy job of coming to Jesus with my Worry Robe. I usually just snuggle down in it and try to take deep breaths that never really go deep. I tuck my head down and attack my to-do list with a vigor and damned be anyone who gets in my way (often including my husband and children). Which never ends up working out well for anyone.

And yet, that Voice still calls me. Come and rest. Let Me lift the weight of Worry…take my robe instead. It’s nice and light. You can breathe. Just keep looking at Me.

I reach out to take His hand and let my eyes rest on His…and I find rest.

And tomorrow morning, when I pick up my Worry Robe again (as I inevitably will), I will allow the weight of it to remind me to seek His face again, until His rest is the only garment I seek.

 

Our New Normal

Because of COVID-19 and social distancing…

• I have switched to black coffee. I need caffeine and I need it now. Don’t get me wrong, I still like my froo-froo coffee with creamer and honey and mocha and all that. But I’m much more interested in waking up as quickly as possible these days with small children who think 6:30 is an acceptable wake-up-and-start-asking-all-the-questions hour. As a matter of fact, just give me an IV please and thank you.

 

• I utilize the lock on my bedroom door quite often. Because while we may be distancing from others, the kids are most definitely NOT distancing. They are quite literally following me into the bedroom/bathroom. #Ijustwanttopeeinpeace

 

• Sitting in the car has become an ‘outing.’ We sat in our cars at our church parking lot for Easter Sunday and let me tell you, I have never been so excited to get dressed up to go somewhere…even though I never got out of the car. I may have also used the car as an escape when I need to get away from the chorus of ‘Mom, mom, mom’ inside the house.

 

• Watching PBS Kids totally counts as schoolwork…and also makes me feel better about the amount of screen time the kids are consuming. #winwin

 

• Fresh air and sunshine are food to my soul once again. I’m a homebody by nature. Given the option of a free day all to myself, odds are I’ll curl up on the couch with snacks, drinks, Netflix and a good book. But since we’ve been home ALL THE TIME, I crave the outdoors and sunshine and wind and trees and flowers like never before. Sometimes I sit on the back porch while the kids are playing and just breathe in the birdsong and warm air. So refreshing.

 

• I crave routine. Something about knowing what’s coming each day on a small level brings me comfort. First, quiet time & yoga, then breakfast, morning chores and routine, lunch, then screen time if kids have finished their checklist, more creative play and outside play while mom attempts to work, then supper and family time and bedtime. This feels like a small anchor in the midst of all the things we DON’T know right now.

 

And speaking of all the things we don’t know, this video about the mental spiral every mom is on right now cracks me up:

This video on @kelly_bandas IG. Just go follow her account…she’s stinkin’ hilarious.

Be well friends.