It’s been four months since I’ve typed words in this little corner of the internet. A lot has happened…but honestly, the gumption to put together a coherent post about any of it hasn’t really been there. We’ve been in a season of grief and loss that, quite frankly, has seemed never-ending. Normally, writing has been my default way of processing and working through thoughts and emotions. Processing during this season, though, has been mostly verbal, in the form of counseling and talking with trusted friends and family. Thank the Lord for that.
I still feel somewhat rusty putting words to what’s been going on. Bullet points somehow feel easier.
- In mid-February we received the news that our two and a half year adoption process had come to a grinding halt.
- A few days later, some dear friends lost their toddler grandson in a tragic accident.
- A few weeks later, a close friend passed away.
- Just today, we grieved a new loss within our family.
Life can feel downright cruel sometimes. This side of heaven things often don’t make a lot of sense. We’re still grieving and processing and hanging onto Jesus and fighting to see hope in the midst of the dark. Honestly, those last three stories aren’t mine to share. But our adoption story has been a large part of what I’ve shared here, and I know that many of you have followed along and been such an encouragement to us. So, by way of explanation, I’ll share the Facebook post we made to our church friends and family after receiving the news ourselves:
Hey church family, we wanted to give y’all an update on some news that we received last week. We got a phone call from our adoption agency last Wednesday, but it was unfortunately not the phone call that we’d been hoping for.
For numerous reasons, Poland has decided to take the (siblings) off the adoption list, so they are no longer available to be adopted – either domestically in Poland or internationally. We’ve been feeling a roller coaster of emotions over the past week – shock, confusion, anger, hurt, relief (and then guilt for feeling relieved), you name it, we’ve prob felt it. The closest I can come to describing it is what I would imagine a miscarriage would feel like after a two and half year emotional pregnancy.
We’re honestly not sure what our next steps are going to look like (so if you ask us we’ll prob say “I don’t know”), but right now we’re just taking time to grieve and process.
We are SO GRATEFUL for all the love and prayers you’ve poured out on us…and especially these (siblings), even though we’d never met them. Even though they may not know it, these (kids) have been loved and treasured and prayed for from afar…and you’ve been a HUGE part of that. And we love you for it. And we could def still use your prayers.
Even though we still have more questions than answers right now (and would quite honestly like to have a come-to-Jesus talk with Jesus Himself), this song is one that has been an anchor for us over the past many months. And even though it’s hard to sing it and feel like it’s actually TRUE right now, we DO know this to be true – that He is faithful, and He is in the waiting. We love you guys.
If you find yourself in a season of waiting or grieving or not understanding, take courage my friend. It can be hard and cruel…I get it. I SO get it. But please also know that you are NOT alone. Jesus is there in the dark places. May you feel His hand holding yours.