Some of you may have noticed that my Write 31 Days series became a little….uh, abbreviated during the last half of October. A few of you even reached out wanting to know if there was something you were missing – like maybe you didn’t get the whole email? Or maybe the Internet managed to work it’s insidious magic and deleted part of the post before it reached your inbox?
Yeah, about that.
First of all, thank you for reaching out. Your words were very encouraging during, well, a time of a lack of words on my part.
Secondly, no, you weren’t missing anything. I deliberately shortened my posts to only an image and a verse – no commentary on my part – mostly because I had lost the will to comment. I felt like I had nothing left to offer in the words department, or at least nothing encouraging.
My husband, God bless him, may have gotten more than his fair share of complaining/tired/frustrated/defeated/discouraged words over the past few weeks. But encouraging words, much less fighting words? Those have been few and far between.
It’s almost as if the enemy, upon seeing a spark of resolve in my heart to do a little fighting back, thought, ‘Well. Let’s just keep the blows coming and see how much fighting she feels like doing.’ Go figure.
I realize that all of this probably sounds very dramatic, and truthfully, if you’ve seen me in person the past several weeks, you probably wouldn’t have guessed all this was going on underneath the surface. Yes ma’am, I can smile and pretend and say the right things with the best of ’em. I’ve had practice – and lots of it – often at church, sometimes with family, or even in my marriage.
But somehow, when it came to writing a series on fighting words, clamming up and saying nothing seemed a hell of a lot easier than opening my mouth and letting what frankly felt like bullshit come out. I was worn out and frustrated and sick and tired of trying to think of encouraging things to say when all I wanted was to….I don’t even know what I wanted, honestly. I just knew I was tired of fighting the enemy and his lies on what felt like every front – home, work, church, relationships, the adoption (a big one) – and I COULD NOT muster up anything that felt remotely encouraging.
So I clammed up and decided to let the Word speak for itself.
And honestly? I just went through the motions of getting those 31 days of posts up here. Done. Checked one more thing off the list. And my entire life somehow morphed into a checklist.
Quiet time – check.
Office work – check.
Laundry – check.
Errands – check.
Go to church, look happy, fix supper – check, check, check.
And in checking things off the list of life, I’ve felt my heart and desire and emotions slowly begin to shut down. Doing things, yep. I’ve been checking ’em off the list, baby. But my heart hasn’t been in it. Just get through with one thing and move on to the next, like a durn robot.
But that’s not how I want to operate, or who I want to be – or who God created me to be – anymore.
And so here I am. Writing from my heart – unfiltered and not pretending. Sorry for the swear words. But right now, I know that being real is healthier than pretending, and I’m clinging to the truth that God already knows what’s on my heart, He isn’t shocked by it, and He still loves me anyway.
Maybe those are some fighting words after all.