Before we ever sent in the very first adoption application, my husband asked me a question:
Is this something you really want to do? What are the desires of your heart?
My answer at the time was, very honestly, ‘I’m not sure.’
Did saying yes to adoption mean giving up on our dream for biological children? In my head, it somehow felt like it was one or the other, but certainly not both. As if I somehow didn’t trust God to know me well enough to know what was best for me. Or as if He weren’t big enough to do more than enough.
And I slowly began to realize that my view of God was somewhat of a cosmic vending machine. I pull the lever in obedience to this life-altering thing He wants me to do, and then I’m rewarded with the desires of my heart. And all the time, I’m focused on what I want instead of on the Giver.
Have you ever been there? Sometimes, when we follow the trail of our honest questions – and their answers – to their root, what we find are faulty beliefs about God.
When I question whether I should compromise my beliefs, do I really believe God is big enough to change the circumstances?
When I let go of hope because it hurts too much, do I really believe God knows and cares for the desires of my heart? Have I taken time to ask what His desires are?
When I expect a certain outcome for my obedience, do I really believe God loves unconditionally, or is my relationship with Him still based on my performance?
Let’s be people who are willing to go there, who are willing to ask the questions and lay our answers and our hearts honestly before the Lord. I’m learning that He will show up with the truth of who He really is.
Is He big enough in your life to do more than enough?