Sometimes I like to fight my way through things. Fight, fight, fight.
Other times I like to sit back and do nothing, hoping the difficult circumstance will just go away, as if by magic.
I’ve been torn between both extremes lately.
I want to fight my way through all my plans…
- For our family – We always knew we wanted to adopt, but I still face moments when I struggle with thinking that this is not how I pictured my family looking at this point in my life. And I rack my brain trying to think of everything I can do to make sure this adoption happens, AND to make sure that we’re still trying and praying for our own biological children as well.
- For our home – Will our house be big enough for kids? Do we need to add on/sell? Let’s start browsing all the online listings to see if the perfect kid-friendly house is out there somewhere. But I don’t really want to move, not really. We’ve poured blood, sweat and tears into this house in the past two years, and I love it. And, let’s face it, just the THOUGHT of packing and moving pretty much makes me want to curl up in a fetal position. No thanks.
- For our future – The battle against all the ‘shoulds’ – after four and a half years of marriage, we should have several children (we don’t), I should be writing more than I am (I haven’t been), and I should have a list of goals drawn up for where I want to be 5 years from now (I don’t even know what we’ll be doing at the end of this month. I’m learning that the adoption process can force you to hold plans very loosely).
And if all these plans don’t end up looking like I thought they would, for some reason it feels like a personal failure on my part. Or at least that’s what the Enemy of the soul has been whispering in my ear. And, sad to say, I’ve listened.
I’ve listened, and I have found myself exhausted with the fighting and the trying, and I’ve mostly withdrawn. I honestly feel like withdrawing right now as I’m writing this…withdrawing into reading a book, instead of putting together the words on the page…the work of writing. Exhaustion, fighting and striving have not exactly been the seeds of inspiration lately.
Yet, I know that I serve a God who doesn’t get tired of fighting for me, of rescuing me – again and again – even from myself. I have to remind myself that He says that I’m worth fighting for, that our future children are worth fighting for. Even in the middle of what honestly just feels like a lot of adoption paperwork (like you’re working hard to prove to all the right people that yes, you CAN be a parent!), I’m trying to keep in mind the bigger picture that He’s up to something. He’s fighting for us. And He wants our hearts to be stretched in learning how to fight for others – and for our future children.
Because, truthfully, life IS a battle. And as parents-to-be, we are called to battle for our children. Might as well start training for it now. But the best part? Our God goes before us and promises to fight for us. And He never gets exhausted.